


I Promised Myself I Wouldn't Let You Complete Me

by midnightskydan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: A little, BAMF!Phil, Cheating, Drinking, FWB, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attack, Phan - Freeform, Recreational Sex, Smut, Some angst, Some depressing themes, Song fic, almost-one-night-stands, bamf!dan, kinda fwb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 00:03:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11702616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightskydan/pseuds/midnightskydan
Summary: In which Dan and Phil are both players, that's all. But as time goes on and feelings develop, they always seem to end up with the only answered question being "is there somewhere you can meet me?"





	I Promised Myself I Wouldn't Let You Complete Me

**Author's Note:**

> somwhat based on "Ghost" and "Is There Somewhere?" and a bit based on "Strange Love"
> 
> i never really specified in this but they're meant to be college age, going to the same uni. and this story takes place over the course of about a 5 months so don't think they met and then two days later dan's head over heels
> 
> check tags for triggers!!

**_I'm searching for something that I can't reach_ **

Dan was a player. That's what he'd been labeled as, and honestly he was happy to live up to it. Or at least he thought he was.

That was until  _he_  got involved.

Phil Lester was one of the school punks. He had tattoo sleeves, ear piercings, snake bites, dyed blue fringe that went the opposite direction, and a goddamn dragon tattoo on his neck that drove Dan insane. He was almost as bad as Dan. He'd probably fucked all the same people, honestly. Dan was surprised they hadn't run into each other before.

Dan's first run in with him was when he was at his usual club. Dan was hanging out in the back, in his usual spot, scanning the crowds for his next catch. Male or female, he didn't have a preference tonight.

But Dan wanted someone dirty. He was in the mood for someone experienced. Someone...

Suddenly an amused voice spoke, startling Dan. "You seem to be checking out the entire room."

Dan turned to see Phil Lester sitting casually across from him, leaning his elbow on the chair, legs crossed. Dan looked him over, smirking.  _Someone like him_.

"Not anymore," he spoke smoothly.

Phil smirked right back at him. "Dan Howell, isn't it?"

"Hope you're not stalking me, but yeah."

He chuckled lightly. "I've just heard a lot about you."

"Oh yeah? All good things, I hope to think?" Dan asked playfully, devoting his full attention to the punk. He wore a fucking leather jacket that looked absolutely perfect on him over a white t-shirt with some band Dan had never heard of's logo. His skinny jeans fit just write around his legs and ass, and Dan couldn't help but look him over like he was about to pounce.

"Definitely," Phil replied, and Dan watched as he bit his lip, looking Dan over as obviously as Dan had just done. And with that their night was planned.

"Wanna get out of here?" Dan suggested.

"You're very forward," He commented, still holding that goddamn perfect smirk.

"We both know why I'm here and you're hot as fuck, so," Dan shrugged.

Phil leaned in, whispering, "Then what are we waiting for?" His breath on Dan's lips made him shudder and Phil smirked even wider. Dan reached under the table and interlaced their hands, dragging Phil after him.

In just a few minutes, Phil had Dan against the wall in the alley outside. His lips attacked Dan's own with a lust comparable to any Dan had felt directed toward him. "Fuck," he breathed out, "You're really hot, you know that?"

Dan smiled cockily, "I'm aware," he breathed. Though he put on an arrogant front, Dan was honestly pretty insecure about basically every part of him, and he wasn't used to being complimented when fooling around with anyone, so he ignored the way his heart picked up a bit and got back to kissing the man in front of him.

"You're not so bad yourself, Lester," Dan assured, between kisses.

Phil smiled again, grabbing Dan's hand and pulling him after him. Cold air surrounded Dan as Phil's body left its place pressed against his own, and Dan very nearly whimpered. Instead, he followed Phil to his motorbike, sliding onto it behind him. He slid his arms around Phil's waist and eagerly awaited what would transpire as soon as they got to Phil's place.

However, Phil surprised Dan when he pulled up to a hotel. Dan didn't question, too busy throwing himself on Phil as soon as they parked the bike.

Dan's lips attached themselves to his and Dan's hands moved up his back. Phil moved his fingers lightly up and down Dan's hips and Dan sighed into his mouth. Phil used this to his advantage, pushing his tongue into Dan's mouth.  _Fuck, his tongue_. Dan let a small moan pass his lips and he could feel Phil smiling against his lips.

Dan stared at Phil as he led him into the hotel. Phil was very attractive. Everything about him was so striking. The way his features were shaped and his black hair laid contrasting against his pale skin. And his eyes.  _Shit_ , his eyes. They were absolutely gorgeous.  But his eyes were more than just nice to look at. They seemed to hold part of him in them. They shone with a glimmer that gave made Dan oddly happy. But there was also a sadness to his eyes, a cloudiness, a silent desperation. Dan frowned for a millisecond before lips were back on his.

All he knew about Phil as a person was hearsay. He was a punk, a fuck boy, a player. He was not unlike Dan himself to be quite honest. But Dan didn't know what he'd been through, what he'd experienced, what his personality was like, or anything really.

Phil dragged Dan up the stairs to his hotel room (room 93). Before they could get in the door, he had slammed Dan against the wall again. Phil went right for Dan's neck- his biggest weakness. Dan whimpered as he sucked lightly at the skin there.

Dan knew Phil wouldn't be all clingy and hopeful after tonight like some of Dan's past 'lovers.' He'd probably be as quick to get out of here as Dan.

Which was fine. Dan didn't want a serious relationship at all.

Phil pulled Dan into the hotel room, casting aside his leather jacket and kicking off his shoes. Dan followed suit. Phil pushed him down onto the bed as soon as he was down to one layer of clothing. He climbed over the boy, straddling his hips and Dan immediately felt himself slipping into a more submissive role.

Phil gripped Dan's black t-shirt and pulled it over his head, looking the younger boy over. Dan felt himself get self-conscious. He usually didn't really care or worry, and he didn't know what was different this time.

But Phil trailed a finger down his cheek, whispering a, "So pretty," Continuing with, "What would you like me to do?"

"Fuck, I, just-fuck," Dan whimpered, pulling at Phil's shirt, it'd been a while since Dan had been taken care of. In most of his hook-ups he took on the dominant role.

Phil smirked down at him. "That can be arranged," He assured, beginning to kiss down Dan's chest.

Phil retrieved a bottle from his bag, making Dan roll his eyes slightly. Of course he'd come prepared. He was just as much of a fuck boy as Dan, from all Dan had heard. For a second, the reality of the situation forced itself into Dan's brain. This was just a quick fuck for them both, Dan was just as unimportant to Phil as Phil was to him. Dan knew he shouldn't care, he did this to others all the time, but something about being with Phil Lester- someone who he'd slightly fantasized about one day being with- made him want Phil to care a little more.

Phil pushed Dan onto the hotel bed. He discarded his own t-shirt before getting Dan out of his skinny jeans as fast as he was able, pulling his boxers down with them. He nudged Dan's legs open before lubing up three fingers and easily inserting one. Dan's body was obviously used to this, a thought that made Phil's smirk wider and dick harder.

Dan was easily stretched and soon he was begging like a bitch for Phil's cock. Phil chuckled, enjoying making the usually so collected and cocky Dan Howell beg. He tossed aside his jeans and pants, pulling on a condom, and lining up at Dan's hole. He leaned down to kiss at Dan's seemingly sensitive neck again. "Such a pretty thing," he murmured, pushing in.

Dan groaned, immediately requesting that Phil move. Phil began thrusting into the willing boy, setting up a fast pace. But Dan was still begging for it harder and faster, so Phil threw aside any caution and picked up Dan's thighs, pushing his legs back, and fucking him hard. He bathed in the short whimpers and pleas Dan would let escape his lips as Phil fucked him hard and fast.

Eventually Dan was whimpering, "Close! Fuck, Phil, m close."

"Gonna cum just from my cock, baby? Always trying to act so bad, but  here you are falling apart for me. Come on, baby, cum," Phil ordered, breathless, but voice still low.

Dan couldn't refuse, cumming across their chests with a gasp and a cry of Phil's name. Phil was soon to follow, spilling into the condom.

* * *

**_And I swear I hate you when you leave_ **   
**_But I like it anyway_ **

When he woke up Dan could tell this one-night stand was different than his normal ones. This was because of two reasons: (1) Phil had his arms wrapped around Dan and Dan's head was resting comfortably on his chest, and (2) Dan didn't want to move. Dan closed his eyes, hoping Phil was still asleep so they could stay like this just a bit longer.

Unfortunately, Phil stirred mere seconds after Dan. He pretended to be still asleep so Phil wouldn't know that Dan was aware of their current position.

Phil carefully slid his right arm out from beneath Dan and stood up. Dan continued to fake-sleep until he felt it was a good time to pretend to wake up. His eyes fluttered open and he looked up at Phil who was sitting against the headboard.

"Oh! Morning!" He greeted cheerfully when he noticed Dan was awake. And oh my god his morning voice all husky and low,  _fuck_.

Dan smiled warmly, "Hey you," He mumbled, sitting up as well. The covers fell off his exposed chest, revealing the marks left the night before, and Dan noticed Phil's eyes flicker with interest causing him to blush.

Phil began pulling on his clothing and Dan wondered what his rush was. Answering his unspoken question, Phil spoke, "Uh, I've got a place I need to be, you can just leave whenever I suppose."

Dan's face fell. "That's it?" He asked.

"What did you want breakfast in bed or something? Yeah that's it," Phil answered sarcastically.

Dan rolled his eyes, "No, I just thought maybe we could get a drink or something. I kinda liked you, tbh." Dan felt like an idiot as soon as the words left his mouth. This was a one-night stand. With  _Phil Lester_  no less. What was he thinking? What the fuck were we going to talk about over a drink anyways? ' _Oh yeah I like that band too, by the way I totally can't sit down properly because of how hard you fucked me last night lol_.'

"Oh, sorry Dan but I thought we both thought this was just a one-night thing," He answered, pulling his leather jacket on. And he sounded just like Dan did whenever his sexual partners expected more of him. Dan really needed to stop being such a jerk.

"I dunno you just seemed...different."  _Oh god, Dan no what are you doing? Abort. Abort._

But it was true. Phil had seemed different. Last night he just made Dan feel... _good_. Nice. Sure, any lay can provide him pleasure but Phil... he was somehow sweet as well as extremely sexy. Dan just hadn't been expecting something like last night from the punk-dressed player.

"Trust me, you don't want to get involved with me," Phil promised, sounding almost remorseful.

"You seemed nice to me," Dan argued. _Wtf are you doing you idiot, he just wants to leave._

Phil smiled a little, but stated again, "I've gotta go." He strode over to Dan and planted a kiss on his lips. "Bye Dan," He whispered, smiling still.

Dan pouted pitifully, mentally kicking himself. Dan was still putty in his hands and the night was over. He was still somewhat cloudy in the mind after submitting to him, perhaps that was impairing his judgement.

Phil chuckled a little at his expression. "Bye Dan," He spoke again, walking out the door. At least he was amused.

Dan stared at the now-closed door, still frowning. He sighed to himself. It was probably for the best that he was gone.

There was no way they could ever be...together. Dan barely understood the word's meaning. He didn't know what he was thinking, just that last night he had felt something. Something more than just sex. And in the morning when he woke up in Phil's arms it just felt...right. He felt at home.

Dan shook his head at himself. He was just being stupid. He was hungover and high on sex, still half asleep. He pulled on his clothes and closed the door to hotel room 93, prepared to forget last night's events.

* * *

**_My ghost, where'd you go?_ **

Phil rushed out of the hotel, partially wishing he'd just stayed with Dan and blown off his plans. He shook those thoughts away as he sped to his place, hoping to get there before she did. Phil ran into his flat, locking the door, and stripping down to his pants so he looked as if he'd just woken up, he filled his mouth with mouthwash, rinsing out the taste of alcohol and Dan. No bar, no one-night stand, no Dan, nothing. Last night never happened. There was a knock at his door and he swung it open.

"Hey there," Phil greeted, smiling.

"Hey babe," she smiled back, pulling Phil in for a kiss.

* * *

The next night Dan found himself as he often did, with a girl pressed up against a wall. He kissed her roughly, but images of Phil kept flashing into his mind. He tried to focus on the feeling with her, but he kept thinking about how much better Phil's kiss felt. How much righter his arms felt around Dan.

* * *

Dan stared over to the other side of the bed, the same side that Phil had occupied in the last bed he'd slept in. Dan's latest one-night stand slept there silently, contently. Dan felt strange. This felt different than usual. He didn't quite understand the part of himself that wished it was Phil lying there. He hardly even knew the guy.

But he'd felt so much with him, and now he just felt...nothing.

* * *

Phil laid beside her that night, arm draped around her shoulder. Somehow she didn't seem to fit right in his arms. She seemed different, or maybe Phil was different. He wouldn't deny that he'd been kind of bored with their relationship lately. That was why he'd gone for Dan, and that's why he was at that bar in the first place.

That night with Dan was amazing, and as much as he didn't want to admit it, Abigail paled in comparison. Dan was hotter, more fun, and he even engaged Phil in his minor dominance kink. He and Dan... fit. There had hardly been any thinking involved that night. It had been as if they already knew each other and exactly how to drive each other wild.

Phil wondered where that feeling had gone with Abby. It used to be fun and sexy, but now keeping up with their relationship was a chore.

And maybe Phil was just a jerk, and maybe it was bad that he couldn't find it in himself to care.

* * *

It was nearly a week before Dan was contacted by Phil. He was confused when his name popped up on Dan's phone, but Phil explained he got it from their mutual friend PJ. That didn't sound desperate at all. Dan had thought Phil didn't want him?

By this time, Dan had nearly forgotten their encounter and- through the advice of his good friends- got the fuck over it. It was just a one night thing after all.

However, contacting Dan proved it to be otherwise right? So he should answer? This seemed logical to Dan so he put the phone to his ear.

"Phil?"

"Hey Dan," he replied, "You free tonight?"

* * *

From that night on things got very out of hand. Dan couldn't help but be flattered that Phil insisted he was the best sex he'd ever had, because, mind you, that was a lot of sex. So Phil kept calling Dan and meeting up with him. Always in hotels. This was mildly suspicious but Dan could care less.

Of course Dan knew he wasn't the only one Phil was with. He probably hooked up with others every once and a while. They were nothing special, even if they did act like they were. Phil started treating Dan like he was special. They talked, laughed, cuddled, but whenever Dan remotely referenced what they might be in terms of their relationship, he'd quickly change the subject. So Dan was worried he was just a booty call. A good lay that Phil wasn't ready to give up just yet.

Dan knew how Phil's mind worked, because they had basically the same mind. He was a player and he was just using Dan to get what he wanted. But Dan was a player too, and he was determined to out-play Philip Lester.

There was just one problem.

He'd formed an emotional attachment of sorts.

He was falling.

Hard.

But he couldn't stop now. He had to win this unspoken competition. He'd show Phil exactly who he was dealing with.

* * *

**_You say that you're no good for me_ **

"Dan?" Phil asked as they lay in bed lazily, tired from their previous activities but not quite tired enough to sleep as it was only mid-afternoon.

"Hmm?"

"What are you still doing here?" He asked.

"I live here."

"No I mean, why do you still see me? You know this isn't really going anywhere, you know I'm no good. So why?" He asked.

"Maybe I'm just stupid," Dan mumbled in reply. It was true. He was probably an idiot for letting this go on, but he didn't particularly want to end things.

Phil was silent for a moment before saying. "I should go."

Dan whined, "Nooo don't go I'll be lonely." This was all part of Dan's plan to let Phil think he was winning. Obviously. Dan didn't actually care if he stayed.

"Bye Dan," He said yet again, pulling on his jacket and padding out the door without another word. Dan was really starting to hate those two words.

"Fuck you," Dan said in annoyance. He sighed, burying his face in the pillow. What happened? When did Phil become anything more than a challenge? Someone to play?

Dan needed to figure out what the hell he was doing. At least with Phil gone he could think clearly.

~•~•~

Phil looked over at Abby who lay asleep beside him. She was cuddled up to him in her sleep but he couldn't seem to find the will to wrap his arms around her. Holding her felt different now. It didn't feel good or sweet, it felt boring, annoying even.

Phil hated himself for missing Dan. With Dan things were complicated and confusing. With Abby things were simple and laid out.

But his feelings for her were fading, he could feel it. The spark we they once had was burning out, and Phil worried that he was carrying a flame for another.

* * *

_Knock knock knock._

"What the fuck?!" Dan cursed, sitting up and banging his head on a shelf as he stumbled out of his bedroom.

It was 2 in the morning, who the hell would be at the door? Dan, wary and annoyed, opened the door slowly. He shouldn't have been surprised to find Phil standing there.

"Phil what the hell?" He asked, rubbing his tired eyes.

Dan realized Phil was wearing glasses, and, fuck, why did he never show Dan those before?

He stuttered a reply, "Sorry I, I just, I wanted...I  _needed_  to see you," He whispered.

Dan was taken aback by the pure sincerity of his words. Most of his compliments and sweet nothings had been just that-  _nothing_. White lies to make Dan blush and think they had something. He should know, Dan used them all the time. But  _this_ ,  _this_  was serious. Phil really thought he needed to see Dan.

Dan stepped forward slightly, as if to test the waters, and Phil stepped forward as well. That was all the reassurance Dan needed to take Phil's lips between his own.

"I thought you were a player," Dan breathed out after they finally pulled away for air.

"And I thought you were just a one-night stand," Phil whispered back.

* * *

**_I'm searching for something that I can't reach_ **

"Phil," Dan proposed, sitting down on the side of the bed. It was ten in the morning and all he wore was an over-sized jumper.

Phil hummed a reply of interest, sitting beside Dan and nuzzling into his neck.

"What if we...what if we went out? You and I, like on a date, together?" Dan asked, holding his breath.

"You want to be...together?" Phil asked hesitantly.

Dan nodded.

Phil moved away from him. "Oh, uh, I don't think we can really be together...like that. I mean, what's wrong with what we have now?"

"I want to be more than this," Dan admitted, "I though you did too," He added in a pitiful mumble.

Phil sighed, kissing the side of Dan's neck gently. "I do, baby, I do," He promised, "But we...we can't."

"Why?" Dan asked, softly, leaning into his touch, "Wait, it's me isn't it? You don't actually like me do you, you just want the sex?" Dan blurted out quickly, somewhat panicked.

"No no no no, it's nothing like that, bear, it's just..."

"Just?"

He sighed again, "I...have a girlfriend," He whispered.

Dan stood up. "What?!" He demanded.

"Her name's Abby, she-"

"Were you ever going to tell me about her?" He asked, quietly, knowing the answer.

Phil was silent, confirming Dan's suspicions that he had no intention of ever telling Dan the truth. "But Dan... I don't want her, I want you," He assured.

Dan smiled a little, turning to face him. "You have me," He spoke, "Just lose the girl."

"I...I can't."

"But you just said-"

"It's complicated, okay?!" Phil snapped.

Dan stepped away, looking down. He couldn't believe this. He should've fucking known. Phil Lester was a fucking player and nothing more. "You should go," Dan spoke quietly.

"No, Dan, I'm sorry, I-"

"I said you should go," He repeated, still quiet.

Phil stepped towards him. He kissed Dan quickly and softly. "I'm sorry. Bye Dan," He whispered. And just like that he was gone. It was Dan's fault for being stupid and arrogant and thinking he could beat Phil at his own game. Phil didn't care about Dan, nor would he ever.

* * *

**_I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me_ **

Same club, same spot, same routine, but it felt different. It felt empty now. Dan had never known nor cared what he was missing out on with falling for people. It was just as awful and difficult as he had expected and he wished that he had never experienced it. He wished that he'd never gone home with Phil Lester in the first place.

"You look lonely," A voice commented and Dan looked up to see a boy with curly brown hair and blue eyes. He was shorter than Dan-as were most- and smiled at him sadly.

"As do you," Dan said.

"Heartbreak sucks," He replied, sitting down beside Dan.

"Agreed," Dan said, ordering the two of them drinks.

~

 _Well that was stupid_ _,_ Danthought as he stared at the curly-haired boy lying on the bedsheets beside him. Dan felt absolutely nothing. He was completely devoid of emotion; numb.

Sex. Drinking. Talking. None of it helped. He didn't know what happened to his feelings, they just disappeared _. Along with Phil Lester_ , he thought to himself, falling asleep.

* * *

Phil stared over at Abby. He'd ruined things with Dan for this: a girl he felt nothing for, a void relationship. Phil didn't know what happened to all the affection he used to feel for her, but wherever it went, it was gone. What they had left was hardly worth anything. It was merely a ghost of what it used to be.

Phil walked into the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. With piercings, tattoos, and a punk demeanor, he had all the looks of a player. He was a player. Even after Abby he couldn't help himself. But he got attached to Dan.

Who was he now?

* * *

Dan ran a hand through his fringe, staring at himself in the mirror as he leaned over the bathroom sink. How the hell did he get here? What happened to who he used to be?

 

* * *

 

It took 48 hours before Phil was practically begging for Dan again. Dan didn't know what to feel. He really really liked Phil, he knew that much. The unfamiliar feeling both terrified and excited him. But the fact that he couldn't have Phil all to himself kept getting in the way of his feelings. And the fact that Phil was so reluctant to leave Cat for Dan had him wondering if Phil really cared about him.

"What would you expect us to be if you stayed with Abby anyways?" Dan demanded over the phone to Phil, "What kind of relationship would we have?"

"Well I suppose mainly sexual," He answered and Dan rolled his eyes because he could hear his fucking smirk in his voice.

Anyone would be lying if they said a sexual relationship with Philip Lester didn't sound appealing. Unless they were asexual or something he guessed, or a lesbian.... But it wasn't up to an asexual person or a lesbian or anyone else. It was up to Dan.

Dan wanted Phil. But only Phil.

Then again what was the big deal? So what, he was also seeing a girl on the side. Well, he supposed, Dan was the one on the side wasn't he? Not to mention the thought of Phil with someone else made him physically nauseous. Jealously had always been one of Dan's worst traits.

"Dan, I don't want to lose you," Phil spoke seriously, jolting Dan from his thoughts and back to their conversation.

"Then lose her instead," Dan suggested, knowing it wouldn't work. It hadn't when he'd asked last time.

"I can't Dan, I told you that."

"Why not?" He asked finally, "...Do you love her?"

There was a moment of silence and Dan was sure Phil was going to say yes, but he spoke, "No. I don't. Not anymore," He admitted.

"Then why can't you leave her?" Dan's voice was nearly a whine as he asked him. Dan was exasperated with this entire situation, but he didn't want to lose Phil. It took Dan years to find a feeling like he found with him. Dan couldn't let it go. Who knows how long it'd take him to find that again?

"We should talk in person." Phil decided.

Dan sighed. "Yeah okay," he agreed, "Where?"

"How about the hotel I took you to when we first hooked up?" He offered, voice excited, "There was a Starbucks just down the street."

Dan chuckled lightly, "Alright sounds good."

"Great see you in a few minutes then!" He answered happily.

Dan chuckled again, hanging up. How Phil could go from sexy-flirting-punk to adorable-ball-of-sun in 3 seconds would always confuse and astound Dan. He pulled on acceptable clothing, made sure his fringe was properly straightened, and flew out the door swiftly.

Dan noticed Phil's motorcycle parked on the street outside Starbucks as he walked in.  _He got here fast_ , Dan noted.

"Dan!" Phil greeted with a smile, practically jump-scaring Dan as he appeared before him with two coffee cups.

"Jesus Christ Phil." Dan commented, shaking his head with a smile as he followed him to a booth in the back.

"Aren't you afraid you'll be seen here with me and your girlfriend'll find out?" Dan asked, trying to sound casual, but it still came out bitterly.

"Well we'll keep the snogging to a minimum then," He joked, but Dan knew he was serious.

They each took a sip of our drinks and stared across at each other.

"So..." Dan prompted, "Care to explain why you can't break up with the girl you no longer care for so you can just be with the guy you claim to care for?"

"I do care about you Dan," Phil assured, "And things with you and Abby are only complicated because she's a girl and you're a guy."

"Oh."

Homophobia's a bitch, to say the least. Dan had always hoped if he ended up with a guy he wouldn't have to deal with it. Dan didn't know anyone really homophobic so he hadn't had to deal with it since high school when the bitches would call him a fag to deal with their own daddy issues and shit. That was only year 9, 10, and 11 though, after that Dan figured out that people actually found him attractive and took advantage of it.

"So you have to stay with Abby because..."

"If I dumped her for a dude, my parents would kill me." He sighed.

"So don't tell her why you dumped her?" Dan suggested.

"She'd be bound to find out at some point. It's just too complicated. Maybe as time goes by it won't be as much, and we'll figure it out, but until then I don't want to let you go," Phil spoke staring into eyes.

He put a hand atop Dan's own on the table and Dan looked down. He knew he wouldn't have the will to say no to Phil.

* * *

"Room 93 again?" Dan commented as Phil pulled him into the hotel room.

He smiled, "It can be our room." He decided, wrapping his arms around Dan's neck. He pulled me in for a sweet kiss.

"At least we have designated locations for cheating on your girlfriend," Dan mumbled, looking away.

Phil sighed, tilting Dan's head with his finger to face him. "Lighten up a bit, would you?" He requested giving Dan a small, sad, smile, "I don't wanna think about her."

Dan looked away again, wishing circumstances were different and that he could be with Phil. Wishing that Phil Lester wasn't so amazing so that he could just walk away from the complicated situation. But he was amazing, the situation was fucked up, and Dan didn't seem to be going anywhere.

Phil kissed him on the cheek, "You're so beautiful," He whispered.

Dan smiled a tiny bit at the compliment. It was hard for him to fully believe that Phil cared for him when he was so reluctant to leave Abby, but when he complimented Dan and it sounded sincere like that, Dan wanted to put away all his worries and pretend things were simple.

Dan leaned up to kiss him once again, fingers splayed over his chest. Phil smiled into the kiss, pulling away after a few seconds. He pulled out his phone and started playing music. Dan smiled at him again, shaking his head.

"You want proof that I care about you more than her, yeah?" He asked, taking my hands.

Dan nodded a little.

"You know those relationships where you're dating your best friend? Abby has never been nor ever could be that to me. But I could see that with you. It seems crazy because we've known each other-what- two months? But I'm just...not afraid to be myself around you, you know? Usually I try to be what everyone expects me to be, but with you...I don't really have to try," Phil looked up from staring down at his hands to meet Dan's eyes.

Dan smiled at him. He was so cute, what the fuck. But in the back of his mind, Dan doubted his words. Did he even know Phil? Was Phil even himself around him? Phil was a smooth-talker, he was probably just playing into Dan's hands. But Dan's thoughts were cut short with Phil's next words.

"Dance with me," Phil requested, pulling Dan into a clearing in the hotel room, a perfect dance floor.

Dan giggled surprised as Phil pulled him close, turning up music. "Stop being cute, you're making it hard to be cross with you," Dan whined, furrowing his brow.

Phil smiled brightly, twirling Dan around to the song. Dan moved his arms and wrapped them around his neck. Their eyes met. His perplexing eyes were blue with strings of green and yellow swimming among them, but when they were caught in the light they looked a gleaming silver.

Dan pressed a kiss to his lips as the song came to an end. Their lips moved together soft and passionate enough to allow Dan to relax and finally forget about everything. In this moment Phil and he were the only two people on the planet. Dan moved his hands up to the back of Phil's head and tangled his fingers in his hair. Their bodies were flush against each other, and it just felt so good to be this close to him.

**_I just wanna feel your lips against my skin._ **

Phil smiled into the kiss and pushed Dan backwards onto the bed. Dan fell backwards, squealing in surprise as he hit the blankets. Phil giggled, kissing Dan once again.

"I need a cigarette," He announced after pulling away.

"Same honestly," Dan agreed, sitting up a little, and leaning against the headboard.

Phil lit up a cigarette taking a drag before handing it to Dan. He crawled onto the bed beside him. Phil slid his arm over Dan's waist and nestled his head into the boy's shoulder crevasse. Dan wrapped his arms around him and took a drag of the cigarette.

They laid in content silence, smoking for a few minutes and Dan tried not to let his mind wander. Dan focused on Phil, him being so close, him looking so hot with his snakebites and dragon tattoo. Dan put out the cigarette on the ash tray beside him before rolling out from beneath Phil. He straddled his hips, smirking down at him. Dan didn't want to have to think anymore he just wanted to feel. Feel Phil.

Dan leaned down and kissed the punk, rolling his hips into his after a minute or two of making out. Phil suddenly flipped them over so that Dan was on his back, legs around Phil's waist.

Dan closed his eyes, lost in the feeling of Phil's lips on his neck, collar, and shoulders. Dan's mind was clouded with only the pleasure and Phil Lester.

* * *

Phil and Dan collapsed side by side, on the hotel room sheets, breathing heavily. Dan turned his head to face Phil. He was already looking at Dan. The hotel lights had been switched off and the only light came in from the window. The city lights cast a glow over Phil's face. He grinned, his smile lighting up Dan's dull world. His smile was so perfect. Just...perfect. Dan leaned in every so slightly to kiss him again, unable to help himself.

It was 3am by now. Dan and Phil had decided to come out to their hotel at about 11:00pm. Dan had always had a later lifestyle anyways, hence meeting Phil for the first time at the club at nearly one in the morning.

Dan rolled over, closing his eyes and feeling Phil's arms slip around him. He nuzzled back into Phil's embrace. Dan was a rather large human being, but being in Phil's arms like this made him feel small, protected. He loved it.

"How long can this last?" Dan wondered aloud in a whisper, unsure if Phil was still awake.

He felt Phil press a kiss to the top of his head. "Love," he replied in a whisper, "This is only the beginning."

Dan smiled a little, but doubted Phil's words. What kind of future could this relationship ship possibly have? If Phil kept Abby in the picture, the relationship certainly couldn't progress much, could it?

Phil couldn't cheat forever. He'd feel guilty and run back to Abby at some point. He obviously still did care about her. Why else would he care so much about keeping her in his life?

This is why Dan had sworn to himself he'd never let himself fall for anyone. It was too hard, too painful when they hurt you, too much work to keep up. Dan had started with Phil as a simple one-night stand. He didn't need him.

So they'd just be on the side of his relationship. No big deal.

But Dan knew he couldn't do that. He knew he was falling. He was falling so hard and he had been ever since that night over a month ago.

Dan couldn't tell Phil this. He couldn't. If he knew what Dan was actually feeling he was sure to end things. Dan had to keep his feelings hidden as best he could so that Phil didn't know how badly Dan wanted him all to himself.

So Dan pretended not to need him.

* * *

**_Is there somewhere you can meet me?_ **

It was midnight on a Wednesday when Dan called Phil. He had been crying because between family and Phil and school it had all just been too much.

"Hey," Phil answered.

"Phil, I just...I need you," Dan whispered, voice shaky.

"Dan are you okay?" He asked softly.

"No," Dan replied quietly, "I- Is there somewhere you can meet me?" He questioned.

* * *

Phil walked in the unlocked door of room 93, rushing to Dan's side. He sat beside him on the bed and pulled he distraught man into his arms. "Hey," he whispered, "It's okay, baby, I'm here."

Dan buried his face in Phil's shoulder, tears still running down his cheeks. Phil was Dan's tether. He's what kept Dan sane and Dan couldn't be without him. As much as he hated it, Dan needed him.

Phil ran his fingers through Dan's hair in an oddly comforting manner. Dan let out a small quiet sob into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry Dan, I'm so sorry about all this," Phil spoke quietly into his ear as he held Dan close, "You deserve to be number one priority. I should've been with you tonight, not her."

Dan pulled back, "You, you left her tonight...for me?" Dan inquired, surprised.

Phil nodded, "You said you needed me," He explained.

Dab smiled ever so slightly, hugging him. "Thank you," He mumbled.

"No," Phil shook his head, "You deserve better."

Dan looked up at him, surprised at his sincerity.

"Dan, if I could, I'd give you all the stars in the sky," He whispered, tightening his embrace around the recovering man, "But there still wouldn't be enough to express how much you mean to me. How gorgeous you are," He spoke, trailing his finger down Dan's cheek.

Dan smiled a little. "Phil, that was quite poetic, I'm impressed," He praised, pulling away to look at the other man's face.

He smiled sadly at Dan, bringing his thumb to Dan's cheeks to wipe away the tears. He cupped his cheek and pulled Dan in for a soft kiss.

They fell asleep beside each other that night, limbs tangled together. It was the first time they'd met up without having sex, but there was nothing missing from tonight. Dan realized that even if it wasn't to the extent that he did Phil, Phil cared about him.

* * *

 

"You know that thing about stars I told you the other night?" Phil asked as they walked up the stairs, hand in hand, to their regular hotel room.

Dan nodded, recalling the sweet words he'd whispered to Dan as he'd cried in his arms.

"I wrote that in a card for Abby and she completely forgave me for skipping out on our date night so I could be with you He told Dan, sounding amused.

"Oh my god." Dan chuckled. "She really has no clue about us then?"

"None whatsoever," He answered, "I felt kind of bad but I found it hilarious."

"You're a terrible person, Phil Lester," Dan murmured, shaking his head.

Dan was kind of disappointed for a moment at the fact that Phil's girlfriend really had no clue about them. If she found out Dan would get to be with Phil, right? Then Dan realized how much of a mess that would be if she did find out. Phil would probably be screwed.

**_I'm sorry but I fell in love tonight._ **

"I'm sorry I made you ditch her today," Dan apologized, walking into Room 93, "I just couldn't stop thinking about you."

Dan had tried everything he could to get Phil off of his mind, but he was unsuccessful. Dan hated how much he missed him when Phil was away. He hated how at ease he felt when he was near. He hated how his cute little smile could make Dan forget about anything wrong in his life. Dan hated how his lips against Dan's felt like the most right thing. He hated that he was falling for him. And he hated that he couldn't have him.

"I'd rather be with you," Phil assured, squeezing Dan's hand.

Dan sighed, letting go of his hand and falling back onto the hotel bed. "I just...God I must sound like a broken record, but I just...wish you were only with me," Dan whispered.

"Dan I'm sorry-"

"I know," Dan breathed out shakily, feeling like an idiot as he felt a tear escape his eye, "This was just supposed to be some one night stand and I had to go and fuck it up."

Phil sat down on the mattress just beside Dan, and Dan rolled over, back to him. "You didn't mess anything up, bear," he spoke gently, rubbing Dan's shoulder.

Dan nodded, tears still falling, "Yes I did."

"How?"

Dan took a shaky breath, "I fell in love with you," He whispered.

Dan felt Phil cease his comforting back rubbing and sat up. He sighed, walking to the door, "Sorry, I...sorry," he spoke.

"Wait, Dan," Phil spoke, halting him, "D-don't go..." He whispered.

Dan stopped in my tracks, sniffing and wiping his eyes with his sleeve. He felt Phil's hand close around his arm, and he whispered, "Please...stay."

Dan turned back to face him and pulled him into a kiss. It was wet and sloppy and salty with tears, but it was comforting. Phil pulled back, looking into Dan's eyes. His own wide eyes were glistening with tears as well. He brought his hand up to cup Dan's face, brushing the tears away with the pad of his thumb. His pupils were blown and full of so much fondness. It made Dan feel like he was worth something.

"What do you want me to do?" Phil asked gently.

_Leave_ _Abby._

"Just...just lay with me for a while."

Phil wrapped his arms tightly around Dan. "Dan I'm so sorry," He whispered, head resting on the top of his own. "You know we can't....not yet...not right now. I want to, believe me but-" his voice was shaky.

"I know, Phil," Dan whispered. He shouldn't have let himself fall for him. He shouldn't have gotten attached. He should've had more self control, kept himself away. But he didn't. He fell in love with Phil Lester, a taken player.

**_Could we pretend that we're in love?_ **

"Phil..." Dan prompted quietly.

"Yeah bear?" A nickname that Phil had taken to calling him. Something about Dan being squishy and cuddly like a teddy bear.

"Could...could we pretend that we're in love?"

Phil rolled Dan over to face him. He gave a small sad smile. He pressed his lips gently to Dan's and they shared a soft, slow, long kiss. When he finally pulled away he whispered, "Yeah." Then he rested his forehead against Dan's and whispered, "I love you, Dan."

"I love you too, Phil."

* * *

_-two and a half months later-_

_Knock knock knock_

Dan sent Phil a confused look. "Did you order room service already?" He asked.

Phil shook his head, shrugging as Dan walked over to answer the door. A girl stood in the doorway, a confused look took her features as she looked Dan over.

"Babe, who was it?" Phil's voice called.

Dan was about to ask who this girl was when he saw her mouth drop. "Did he just...was that Phil?"

"Um, sorry, who are you?" Dan asked.

The girl pushed past him into the hotel room.  _Come on in,_  he thought sarcastically. She let out a gasp as she looked around.

The setting was obviously one for a couple. It was a sort of anniversary? Today marked the 4th month since Dan and Phil first came to this hotel together. Phil had been cute and sappy with rose petals and candles; Dan been flattered. Phil made him feel special.

"Phil what's going on here?" The girl asked.

Dan heard something hit the ground as he closed the door and turned to see Phil had knocked over a lamp in his haste to turn around.

"Abby?!" He asked.

Dan looked over to the girl.  _Shit_. He realized.

"You...you called him...All this..." she looked around as she mumbled to herself , "Is this for  _him_?" She asked, speaking up, glancing over at Dan.

"No, it, I-" Phil started. He stopped, seeing the sunken look on Dan's face as he glanced over to Dan. Phil sighed and admitted quietly, "Yes it's for him."

"Are you fucking serious?!" She exclaimed, looking over at Dan, "Oh my god, I didn't think that you... Kate kept telling me that you were probably cheating, the way you've been acting, I didn't want to believe her. I don't fucking believe this!" She yelled. She looked over at me distastefully, "And with  _him?!_ A fucking whore?! And a fucking  _guy_?! Who the fuck is he even?!"

The yelling hit a bit close to home. Dan never liked people yelling, and it often gave him panic attacks, especially when directed at him. Dan squeezed his eyes shut, trying to wish away the situation and not let her words affect him. She'd just caught him so off guard. He was terrified. What would happen now?

He slid down the wall sitting on the floor. He pulled his knees to his chest, trying to level out his breathing.

"His name's Dan," Phil whispered, glancing toward his distressed boyfriend, now leaning against the wall, knees to his chest.

"What?!"

"I said his name's Dan," Phil repeated louder, "And he's  _not_  a whore."

Dan heard footsteps get closer to him and flinched when he felt a hand on his arm until he heard Phil's soft voice whisper into my ear, "It's okay baby," as he sat beside Dan against the wall.

"How long has this been going on?! I thought we were happy!" Abby screamed.

The yelling was making it difficult to calm down and Dan felt tears involuntarily leaving his eyes. He mentally cursed himself for being so weak. Besides, Abby had more than enough a reason to be mad. She'd just found out her boyfriend of over a year had been cheating on her with someone else. Dan was being stupid.

"I thought we were too," Phil replied softly, "But I've felt so much more than just happy with him."

"I should've known you were a fucking  _fag_."

Dan stifled a sob at the word, and Phil pulled him into him, shushing Dan gently and rubbing his back.

There was thick silence for a few seconds as Dan cried quietly and Phil held him.

"Do you love him?" Abby asked all of a sudden and the air caught in Dan's throat because  _did he?_

Phil was silent for a few seconds, "N-no?" Phil replied hesitantly and Dan couldn't help but cry a little harder at that. He'd just ruined Phil's relationship for nothing then?

"I wonder how happy your parents'll be to find out they have a  _faggot_ -"

 _Damn it; that word._ Dan sobbed.

"-as a son," Abby spat before walking out of the hotel and slamming the door.

Dan pulled out of Phil's embrace, curling up against the closed door and sobbing into his knees.

"Baby-" he whispered trying to scoot over beside Dan again but Dan moved away. Phil didn't love Dan. He didn't care about him. Dan had just ruined his life for nothing.

Then, Phil laid a hand over Dan's arm gently. "I do love you, Dan," He whispered.

Dan looked up from his knees, feeling very childish as he asked, "Really?"

Phil smiled warmly, pulling Dan's hands away from around his knees so he could see Dan's face. "Really."

Dan let himself smile a little. "I love you too," He mumbled.

Phil leaned forward and pressed his lips to Dan's. They kissed long and soft, Dan's hands tangling in Phil's hair.

And they didn't know how the fuck they were going to proceed, how Phil's parents were going to react, if they could make this work, anything really. So marked the beginning of their public strange love affair.

* * *

"Are you okay?" Dan asked softly, almost scared to touch his boyfriend. Phil never broke down, he was always strong, always collected. He shook his head, looking down. "Do you want me to go?" Dan asked, and was relieved when Phil shook his head again.

Dan stepped forward towards him, reaching to put a finger beneath his chin. Dan tilted his hanging head up to meet his eyes. His eyes were all blue today and tears were leaking out of the sides of them. He stared, wide-eyed, at Dan. Dan gave him a sad smile before pulling him into a tight hug. Phil let go of his composure, hugging Dan back tightly, burying his face in Dan's shoulder. He felt tears soak his shirt, but Dan couldn't care less.

"I'm so sorry, Phil," He whispered, kissing Phil's forehead.

"It's not your fault," He replied, brokenly.

It kind of was. Without Dan, Phil wouldn't be in this mess. He let out a soft sob against Dan's shoulder and Dan squeezed his shoulders tighter. He was pretty shit at comforting others like he always wished for them to comfort him, but he was glad Phil wanted his comfort.

"There's nothing wrong with you," Dan assured, "It's just them that need to change."

Phil nodded, wiping his tears with the back of his hand and pulling away. "I'm sorry, I know, I'm being stupid I'm sor-"

"No," Dan cut off softly, "It's okay, I'd be the same way if my parents were like that."

He stifled another sob against Dan's shoulder, hugging him tightly. "I knew they were going to be like this," He cried, "I knew they were going to hate me."

Dan kissed his cheek. "They'll come around," he whispered, wishing he didn't feel like he was lying.

"I'm sorry I brought you into this, bear." Phil cried, burying his face into Dan's chest again, "She's gonna out you now, spread rumours, I'm so sorry Dan."

"Hey," Dan whispered, resting his chin atop his boyfriend's head, "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I just wanna make sure that you're okay."

Phil took a deep breath before pulling back to look at Dan. He smiled a little. "I'll be okay." He promised, "Besides, now I can finally just be with you."

Dan smiled a little as well and leaned forward, capturing the other's lips in a kiss. "Things'll work out," Dan promised quietly after pulling away.

Phil just nodded, resting his head on Dan's shoulder again and Dan held him like that.

* * *

 

Phil was right. Rumors spread fast. Everyone was calling Dan asking about his sexuality (1st of all, wow personal question). Dan wasn't  _really_  in the closet but he didn't really flaunt his sexuality either. Also apparently Abby said Dan was gay, not bisexual, which was simply incorrect, so he was receiving a lot of calls from ex female lovers who wanted to know if ' _that's_  why it didn't work out.'

"Dan?" A voice called and Dan heard footsteps coming up quickly from behind him. He turned to see PJ and Chris both running after him.

Dan sighed, turning to his two friends. They knew about his sexuality, obviously, but they knew nothing of his relationship with Phil.

They walked alongside me. "Mate, everyone's talking about you and that one guy, Lester, did you two actually hook up?" Chris asked, getting straight to the point.

Dan just sighed again in response, but nodded.

"Dude!" PJ commented, "He was with Abby, how'd you get him?"

Dan merely shrugged. It hadn't been that difficult. He had clearly been unhappy in his relationship with Abby, why else would he have been at that bar, so eager to get under the sheets with Dan?

"How'd it happen then? Was it like a rough quickie in the club bathrooms?"

"Well not the first time," Dan smirked, not being able to resist replying to the specific memory. Dan and Phil had been at the club where they first met, not having been able to resist meeting up even though Phil had to go home that night. He had kept kissing Dan's neck and Dan ended up extremely turned on. They'd fucked in the bathroom of the club, not in a stall or anything, just where anyone who walked in could see. They hadn't been walked in on, but the thought of being so exposed at the time had added to the experience.

"There was more than one time?!" PJ demanded, "What was it like? Were you like drunk or high or something?"

"No! What?"

"Was he?" Chris chimed in.

"No!" Dan said again, "We were both of sound mind, guys," He ensured.

"So how exactly did it all go down, in the beginning that is?" Louise, who'd obviously been listening, chimed in.

Dan flashed back to the first time, all those months ago.

**_We wrote a story in the fog on the windows that night_ **

_Finished with their activities of the night, they collapsed side by side and Phil lit a cigarette. They smoked and laid side by side, listening to each other's breathing, content._

_Phil put out his cigarette, pulling Dan in for one more soft kiss. He scooted closer to Phil, resting his head on his shoulder as they looked at the fogged window beside the bed, steam-covered due to all the heat they'd created. Dan slung an arm over Phil's waist, liking how he fit in his arms._

_Phil picked up Dan's hand in his and used his other hand to pull out Dan's pointer finger. Dan looked up at him, confused, but his eyes were trained on the window as he moved Dan's hand to touch the cold window. He guided my finger, drawing a curve in the window. Dan soon saw what he was doing and he completed the drawing on his own. He dropped Dan's hand, tightening his arms around Dan as they stared at the heart on the window._

_Nothing else needed to be said._

_But when they woke, the heart had faded and there was no proof that anything more than lust had been present the night before._

"It's kind of personal," Dan spoke finally, walking quicker away from his 'friends.'

**_But the ending is the same every damn time_ **

Dan ran into Phil's arms as soon as he saw him behind the school, burying his face in Phil's shoulder. Dan wrapped his arms tightly around him, holding onto him as if his arms were the only thing holding Dan together.

"You okay baby?" Phil asked, gently.

"E-everyone thinks I'm this slut who you were just playing. They keep asking me about everything and ugh, why won't everyone just calm down?" Dan cried. "Do you think what we did was right? I mean we knew from the beginning it was gonna be fucked up. Is there any way for this to end okay?"

Phil smiled a little, pulling away. He pulled Dan into a calming kiss. He tasted like chocolate and cigarettes. When he pulled away he pressed a short, soft, kiss to Dan's nose. "Settle down, gorgeous," he whispered, smiling a little.

Dan let himself smile a little back at the weirdo he had fallen for.

"Those idiots don't know anything about us, okay? You're no slut, and I promise I'm not playing you," Phil spoke, comfortingly, "Besides, our relationship is our business. You don't have to answer everyone's questions."

Dan nodded. "Okay...Ok, yeah, you're right," He replied, "It's none of their business."

Phil pulled Dan into another kiss before he had to head off to class. "Good," He told Dan, smiling, "Don't let people get to you, Dan Howell, you're perfect."

**_But I don't have to fucking tell you anything_ **

"So, you and Lester, huh?" A voice asked curiously, catching up to walk beside him as Dan walked to his next class.

Dan sighed over-exaggeratedly. "Listen, mate, I get it, Abby's spreading all kinds of bitchy rumours, and yes, I'm freaking bisexual, but my relationships with anyone are  _my_  business, so kindly fuck off."

"Fine, sheesh," the boy spoke, but walked away. Dan wondered how much longer he'd have to deal with all this.

* * *

Dan burst into room 93, practically running to wrap his arms around Phil's neck. Dan pulled him into a soft kiss, which he returned, wrapping his arms around Dan's waist.

"Hey you," Phil greeted, playfully, pushing Dan back after they'd kissed a while.

Dan smiled a little at him, "Hi," He breathed out. He pulled Phil in for another kiss. "Did you..." he asked between kisses, "Did you tell anyone about us?"

Phil shook his head, linking their fingers together between them. "Do you want me to?"

Dan shook his head, "This is our business," He whispered, playing with Phil's fingers. "No one else needs to know."

"I agree," Phil whispered, kissing Dan again. "Fuck," he cursed as Dan attached his lips to Phil's collar. He moved to press a gentle kiss just below Dan's left ear. His hands moved to the back of Dan's head and he sighed in content. "You're beautiful, you know that?" Phil whispered when Dan pulled back to meet his eyes.

Dan smiled." So are you," He assured, peppering kisses down his neck, "So we're just back where we used to be, huh?" Dan asked, breathlessly, getting lost in Phil's perplexing eyes.

"I suppose," Phil agreed, "Except this time it's only you." He kissed the tip of Dan's nose, smiling.

* * *

Phil walked onto campus after saying a long, over-exaggerated, goodbye to his boyfriend. _Boyfriend_. Phil quite liked referring to him as such.

He turned the corner towards class to find a crowd of maybe 7 people, led by none other than Abby. They were all friends of Abby's or friends of his own.

"Oh hi..." Phil greeted, awkwardly.

That's when everyone started talking at once. Questions like, " _Is it true, you're gay?"_  and " _You fucked Howell_?" flew around frantically.

After a while of chaos, Abby seemed to regain control of the crowd. They quieted down and Abby turned to Phil, looking angry. He supposed he couldn't quite blame her. He'd be upset if someone he cared about had cheated on him.

"Go on then, Phil," she prompted, "Tell them all what you did, and who you did it with."

* * *

"Just, how'd you get him to notice you?"

"Gee thanks Peej, also is this not over yet?" Dan asked, leaning against the wall, cigarette between his lips.

"I didn't mean like that, it's just, Lester's usually so... _unimpressed_ ," PJ elaborated.

"Phil," Dan corrected without thought, "And he seemed pretty impressed by me." He smirked, recalling Phil's first impressions of Dan.

_"Fuck," he breathed out, "You're really hot, you know that?"_

"What was it like? Being with him?"

"Dude."

"I just mean, Phil Lester, 'too-good-for-everyone,' intimidating, Phil Lester. Was he an ass?" PJ questioned.

Dan rolled his eyes, "He basically melted in my arms, if you really want to know, don't go telling anyone, but he's honestly...quite sweet," Dan admitted, quietly.

"Wait, Dan...you aren't...still seeing him, are you?"

* * *

Phil bit his lip, looking around at all the familiar faces. They were all awaiting Phil's confirmation or denial of the accusation.

"Look," he sighed, "All you need to know is that I ended things with Abby, because I fell in love with someone else," Phil shrugged, recalling his quick fall for Dan Howell.

It was meant to be meaningless but Phil knew now it had to end with them falling for each other. Dan and Phil fit together. He didn't regret a thing.

* * *

**_They think I'm insane, they think my lover is strange_ **

Dan looked down, not answering PJ'S question, but knowing that not answering was in itself an answer for his friend.

"Really, Dan? _Lester_?! I mean I know you're not some blushing virgin anymore but he could still play you easy," PJ commented.

Dan stopped. Phil wasn't trying to play him. He had ended his relationship to be with Dan, and dealt with his homophobic parents. He cared.

"He...he wouldn't do that to me," Dan argued, "What we have...even that first night I knew it was deeper. I care about him a lot Peej, and I know he cares for me too."

"Are you crazy? Phil Lester never cares about anyone." PJ argued.

"Maybe he's changed a bit then," Dan argued, "I mean give a guy some credit. He literally let things with his girlfriend go to shit so he could be with me. I mean, I'm not asking you to completely approve of this, but just don't worry about me, okay?" Dan requested.

"I dunno Dan, I still think he's bad news," PJ spoke.

"Hey babe, got a minute?" Phil's familiar voice asked, and Dan turned to see Phil holding a cigarette and smiling a little at him.

PJ regarded him with skeptism and a little disgust. Dan simply nodded at him, sending PJ a pointed glance as he took a drag from Phil's cigarette.

Phil smirked a little at Dan and slipped his hand into Dan's, leading him away. "Peej giving you a hard time?" He questioned, leading Dan round back of the building.

Dan took another drag of the cigarette. "He just thinks I'm crazy for being with you. As does everyone, really." Dan shrugged. He looked around to ensure their privacy before pulling Phil into a kiss. "But I don't think it's any of their business," Dan added, smiling a little as they pulled apart.

"There ya go, you're learning." Phil smirked, kissing Dan again. "What do they hate so much about me anyway?" He asked, a playful glimmer in his eyes.

"They think you're just using me for sex," Dan explained.

"Are you worried about that?" Phil asked, still smiling as he playfully nudged me in the side.

"Nah," Dan assured, smiling as well.

Phil gained a serious look, "Good," He spoke, "They don't know what they're talking about." He cupped Dan's face in his hands, "I could never use you, Dan," he assured, looking afraid that I didn't know, "I really do love you, you know."

Dan smiled, kissing him again, "I know you spork, I love you too," He replied, light-heartedly. "And fuck what any one else says, yeah?"

"Yeah." Phil agreed, kissing him again.

In a few short minutes Dan was forced to leave Phil to rejoin the questioning and judgmental friends of his in his next class.

* * *

 

"You're fucking Phil Lester? You could do so much better." A voice from behind Dan spoke as Dan walked to his next class.

"Listen mate, whoever I get with is none of you fucking busin-" Dan was cut off by laughter and he turned to see it was Phil who had asked the question in the first place.

"Asshole," Dan commented, moving to allow himself into Phil's arms. They stayed like that, quiet for a few minutes, Phil's fingers running up and down Dan's arm in a comforting manner. Dan sighed contently, wanting nothing more than to just go home and cuddle their troubles away.

"You know, you're nothing like everyone makes you out to be," Dan whispered, arms draped over Phil's shoulders.

"Oh yeah?" He asked, chuckling.

"Mhmm," Dan hummed, "You're actually quite sweet, and cute, and a weirdo, not to mention a secret nerd."

"Don't go telling people that." He smirked. "Gotta keep up my reputation." He kissed Dan, smiling against his lips.

Dan sighed, burying his face in his boyfriend's shoulder. "You know I haven't had a proper conversation with Chris or PJ in days. Just an argument with PJ about how you aren't to be trusted," Dan divulged.

"I'm not to be trusted?" He asked, amused.

"Nah you're totally heartless," Dan answered, sitting against the wall.

Phil sat beside Dan. "This'll blow over. Everything'll blow over," He assured, "People have better things to gossip about than the two of us."

"I hope so," Dan agreed, resting his head on the shoulder of his punk-attired boyfriend.

**_These days I can't seem to make this right_ **   
**_Well, is this fine? Will it be alright_ ** **_?_ **

Dan sighed shakily.

"What is it?" Phil asked, softly.

"It's just...was this worth it? Ruining your relationship, your rep, your relationship with your parents?" Dan asked, tears once again forming in his eyes. Why were things so complicated? Dan squeezed his eyes closed like he could open them up again and everything bad would go away.

Before Dan could open his eyes, he felt a soft warmth on his lips and a hand on his hip. Dan kissed Phil back softly. Phil's hand squeezed Dan's, "I love you, Dan," He promised, laughing breathily and looking down as he often did when saying those words aloud.

"I love you too," Dan whispered in reply.

"Then," Phil promised, looking up and smiling softly, "I have no regrets. As long as I've got you, everything'll be fine."

Dan pulled Phil into into a kiss again, pulling away only to take a breath before taking his lips agian. The innocent kiss had quickly turned heated and Dan smiled into it.

"Can I propose something?" He asked cheekily, between kisses.

"Ditching this place and fucking in a hotel room?" Phil questioned.

Dan giggled. "Yes."

In just a second Phil had jumped up, taken Dan's hand and begun a sprint to the parking lot. Dan giggled, working to keep up. We passed by PJ and Chris who sent us skeptical looks. Dan just shrugged smiling and giggling as Phil pulled me to his motorcycle.

He pushed Dan up against it, kissing him deeply. And Dan kind of liked the "who cared what anyone else thinks I'm gonna kiss you right here" attitude.

"You're so amazing, I can't believe your mine," Phil breathed.

"Mmm and it's weird, I want to tell the whole world that you're mine, but at the same time I don't want anyone to know a thing," Dan answered.

As they retreated back to room 93 once again, Dan found himself finally content with this relationship. There was no one else, they were out, and nothing was in their way. Though not everyone approved, the important thing was Dan and Phil both did.

Sure Phil was strange, just as everyone had been telling him, but Dan loved his strangeness. And Dan was happy to tell anyone who objected to bugger off.

* * *

"Just...Dan?" Peej asked, "Could you even see a future with Phil? Like, I could you possibly imagine this relationship going anywhere?"

Dan merely shrugged with a grin. That was none of his concern anyways. "Just be happy for me Peej," Dan requested quietly, "I love him, and as hard as it is for you to believe he loves me too."

* * *

"And we'll have a dog obviously," Phil added, playing with Dan's hand.

"Why not a cat?" Dan asked.

"Sorry, love. I'm allergic."

"Killjoy," Dan scowled, cuddling further into Phil's side. He yawned adding, "I still think we'll need more than two kids."

"But imagine if we went to an amusement park, though. It'd be hard to keep track of more than two. And if we had three one would have to ride alone on the rides," Phil argued.

Dan smiled, looking up at the boy with eyeliner and piercings, but in reality he was just a ray of sunshine. "I love you," he mumbled, squeezing his hand.

Phil kissed the side of Dan's neck, "I love you too, bear." He promised.


End file.
